by Merrill
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This year in Arizona there is another proposition on the ballot to define marriage as being between a man and a woman. There are a lot of signs around saying “Vote for proposition 102 – say yes to marriage”. Last Sunday, October 19th, my church, Asbury UMC, celebrated the marriage of Bob and Jim Neilson -Tweet (you may remember Bob Neilson from a previous post found here) which had taken place the Sunday before in California. In doing so we said yes to marriage. At the end of the service our pastor, Jeff Proctor-Murphy said:
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You know all those churches with the signs in their front yards saying ‘Yes for marriage’ that you passed on the way here, well, Asbury just said ‘Yes to marriage’.
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There was the sound of laughter and applause. I laughed also because it had been a long time since I had said yes to marriage.
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Perhaps I should explain. I married my high school sweetheart in 1962 while I was in the Navy. We divorced in 1977 although the marriage had died at least three years earlier. The tipping point came because of my wife’s having an affair although I don’t know why that should have been such a big deal. You see I had a ‘girlfriend’ in the Philippines in 1965 and 66. I tried marriage again in 1983. Mercifully that one only lasted a couple of years, start to finish. Looking back, I don’t think I ever quite recovered from my first marriage.
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Five years ago I stared attending Asbury. Asbury has a high percentage of gay and lesbian members and although that was not why I came to Asbury it affected me from the very first. I came close to crying when I saw couples holding hands at the communion table. It didn’t matter if they were gay, lesbian or heterosexual couples. For me, a former long time Episcopalian, the fact that Asbury celebrated communion every Sunday was the important thing. Equally important was that everyone was welcome at the communion Table. That included me, sinner that I was and am. I had been to other churches that claimed to welcome all; here was a church that practiced what they preached.
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Eventually I began to know some of the more active members. Quite to my surprise, I found several gay and lesbian couples that had stable long term relationships. Some had children and were loving families. I say surprise because up to this time the only gays and lesbians that I knew had been from the bar scene and it had just never occurred to me that gay and lesbian couples were exactly the same as heterosexual couples. After a while I noticed all of the very loving relationships at Asbury. Before I misrepresent conditions at Asbury I should point out that there are also a lot of heterosexual couples that are long term and happy here. There are also some failures of all kinds at Asbury. But then in my life outside of Asbury I am aware that about half of all heterosexual marriages end in divorce here in Arizona. Outside of Asbury, I don’t think I know anyone on their first marriage except for my parents – and they should have been divorced years ago.
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I noticed love, joy and respect in most of the marriages (I am going to call them marriages even if the law does not recognize them as such) regardless of sexual orientation at Asbury and it occurred to me one day that I was in exactly the right place to see how it is to have those things in a relationship. In view of my history, I need the examples.
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At the reception for Bob and Jim after the service I sat at a table with Dan who is married to Lance – they feel it is a marriage. Dan related how the anti gay marriages talk made him feel powerful. To paraphrase (because I am not sure of the exact words) Dan said:
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I was married to a woman for 26 years and no one ever said anything about how it affected their marriage, now that I am married to Lance it affects a lot of marriages.
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I wonder: How is the pending divorce of Madonna and what’s his name going to affect marriages?
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